For the Guys Part I: Profile Pics and Penis Extenders

I'm a 30-something single mom. Life is so busy, meeting someone online seemed like it would be a convenience. Right? Well... not so much. Although I have to say, it has provided a few laughs. So this post is for the fellas. Just a little friendly advice.

First things first. Let's talk about the profile picture. This is your first impression to the dating world. Wouldn't you love to know what the opposite sex thinks about it? Here's some examples of what you post, and what we think...


Who is that chick? Either the guy is still hung up on this girl, or it's a family member. Either way the "Me & Anonymous Girl" pics are lame. Are you trying to tell the prospects on the dating site, "To contact me, you must be at least this hot?" Or maybe you are saying, "This is the chick who carries my nuts in her purse?" (Package deals on swinger sites excluded from this of course!)





Oh boy! These kind of pics are great to look at, aren't they? I don't have a problem with the "Posing Shirtless" pic... just don't expect me to take you seriously! By putting this pic in your profile, you are telling us this: "I am hot. I know I am hot. My mirror thinks I'm hot. I am an egotistical ass." It also says; "I will treat you like shit," OR "I won't understand why you screwed me a few times and then dumped me... because I am hot." ... and possibly brainless.




This type of picture mostly pertains to the Plentyoffish dating site. Ok.... REALLY?? What a tired-ass gag the "Fish" pic is here. Aren't you witty? You put up a picture of you catching a big fish on a site that has the word 'fish' in it. Is that really the best you've got?




Guys, it's great that you have kids and that they are a part of your life. I have my own and they are my whole world. Dating in your 30's means a package deal when you have kids. I get that. But a first impression should be all about you. The internet is chock-full of pervs, and anyone posting pics of their kids on a dating site slides down on the Responsible Parent Scale. The best dads don't post the "Aren't I a Great Dad?" profile pic!




The "Rico Suave" profile pics can mean a couple of different things.
1. This guy has occasion to wear a tux or nice suit often. In which case, by all means post the pictures. OR....
2. (More likely) This picture was taken at a wedding by Billy Bob's momma as solid proof her boy could clean up nice. "Don't he look nice when he ain't wearin' them cut-off t-shirts like he always does? And look! His hands is even clean! Why he even washed up his truck and motorcycle for the occasion. Imma' get some pictures of them all cleaned up too since he wants to put them up on this datin' site he's doin'."



We now come to the "Penis-Extension" section of my little rant. Look guys, it's great that you have a nice mode of transportation. We like it that you do. But by putting it as your main profile pic, or including several pictures of your big truck, fast motorcycle, or sports car in your profile is the same as announcing to the world one of a few things. You are either screaming "I HAVE MICRO-PENIS!!!" at the top of your lungs, "WELCOME TO MY MIDLIFE CRISIS!!" if you are at the right age, or "I AM INSECURE BUT THIS MAKES ME HOTTER!" I mean it's not like girls post 5 different views of their favorite pair of designer shoes. I guess some guys could really be in love with their Penis-Extender Vehicle so much they just want to share it with the world.In that case, lube up the tail pipe and have at it... but keep the Penis-Extension pics to yourselves.



All hope is not lost fellas. The right profile photo is no big deal. To keep it simple, I'll enumerate:
1. Only you in the photo.
2. Wear casual clothes that are clean.
3. Include extra pictures in your profile of you doing activities you like.
4. Smiles are good.

So there you have it. Now go take down your ridiculous main profile picture and put up something better. Tune in later and I'll tell you all the reasons we're laughing at you while we actually read your profile!

Violet Blue and the Librarian

I love to read. As a matter of fact, I will read almost anything except cheesy romance garbage. So, when a friend of mine in Montana started telling me about some great Sci-Fi, I wanted to check it out.
By the time I got to the library, I had forgotten the names of the authors and titles we'd talked about. So I sent him a text. The answer I got back was only two words... "Violet Blue." Although I am technologically-challenged, I figured it was enough information to find what I was looking for in the library's computer system.
Wrong! I got nothing no matter what kind of search I did. Whatever. No worries. I found some other books and went to the check-out desk.
The librarian who helped me out that day was incredibly friendly. When she asked if I found everything ok, I told her I had trouble finding the title "Violet Blue." Despite my protests, she was adamant about helping me.
She couldn't find anything in the system with that title either. (I was all proud at that point. At least it wasn't my user error!) Ms. Librarian still wasn't satisfied. She absolutely MUST be able to help me SOMEHOW. That's when she decided to look for the title on Amazon. All I really wanted to do was take my historical fictions and go home. Oh, boy.
Across the counter from me, she pulled up the site. After a long pause, she said, "Oh. Now I know why we don't have Violet Blue in our system. Violet Blue is an author, by the way."
At this point she leaned across the counter. She was still smiling her super-friendly-let-me-help-you-or-I-won't-be-fulfilling-my-destiny smile when she said, "Violet Blue's titles include The Smart Girl's Guide to Porn, Best Women's Erotica, and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus."
Ohmygod. No, really - ohmygod.
"There's some kind of mistake. I think I've just been pranked," I said. "Well, there's nothing wrong with reading erotica," said Ms. Librarian. She was still smiling and her voice became conspiratorial. I insisted it was a joke and asked where the cameras were. She kept on about erotica being a perfectly legitimate form of literature. Though I happen to agree, I sure didn't want to talk about it with her. She finally shut up when I pointed out that my teenage son had already gone to the car, thank God, and I needed to leave.
As I walked out to the parking lot, laughing and red-faced, I realized a couple of things. First, this was probably the greatest prank anyone has ever gotten over on me. Second, the guy in Montana who pulled it off is most definitely a club member.
And finally, any day you can get a dowdy librarian, one who goes to the local private Christian school to read to the kindergarten class, to say the word 'cunnilingus' with a smile is a good day.

Additional note:
When I got home I looked up Violet Blue on Amazon myself. You can actually read a couple of pages of one of her books. I might be checking out some of her stuff after all. Just not at the library.

Welcome to the Club

Raise your hand if you belong to the Club. No, I'm not talking about the Mickey Mouse Club. In fact, I bet most people don't even realize this one exists. Including some of its members.
Ask yourself these questions:

Do you wish you could write what you REALLY think or feel for your Facebook status? If you could, would it go something like "feels single, slutty, and cynical" today? Or maybe "married, murderous, and mischievous" ? A simple "F U (insert name here)" ?

Do you sometimes feel like you have a split personality? One half of you is being the perfect soccer mom, while the other half is wishing you were banging the coach?

Does it often take all that you have to keep your moral compass pointing the right way instead of letting it go "pirate" ?

Can you tell when you are just "on" sometimes. Members of the opposite sex seem more attracted to you, and you know you could get whatever you want from them?

In another life, would you have given into sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll with a smile?

If you're female, do you not just LIKE sex, but LOVE it. And a little kink isn't a bad thing?

If you answer yes to these questions.... Welcome to the Club. My friend, we'll call her X, and I were talking about the Club the other day. Out of a large group of women that we worked with, what drew us to be such close friends? The answer is, we recognize our own. It's that little glint of darkness in the eye. No, I'm not talking Ted Bundy darkness... that's just evil. I mean that glint that says, "If this woman I just met tells me about little Billy's adventures on the potty again I'll strangle someone." The same glint that says "suburban neighborhoods kill a piece of my soul" - even if you live in one. X says it's the spark that let's another Club member know "Yeah, this is all bullshit, we were meant for something more. I'd really love to smoke and drink about it." But we don't. At least not often.
But every once in awhile, the bad has to come out. It rises to the surface. If you don't take control and let a little steam off the top, the whole thing could blow. (heh, heh... I said "blow")
So what makes some people Club members, and others not? Cause there are surely alot of folks out there who would read this and not have a clue what I'm talking about. X and I refer to them as being 'flat.' They are overly happy with superficial things. Glad to be typical. Ecstatic in their mediocrity. They are easily shocked by realities other than their own. Sound snobby? Well, so what. Flat people are perfectly great people in most cases. There just isn't much depth of experience there.
This is why I started Halo and Horns. I'm a nice, normal person most of the time. But every once in awhile the Dark in me wants to scream and have a voice of its own. Don't talk to me about repression. Blah, blah, blah. We all repress something to some degree. I just wanted to establish a place where those in the Club can let a little off the top. So, here it is... bitch, vent, confess, whatever. Tell me how you deal with life. It is the Dark that enables us to enjoy the Light so much more.